Cartoon o' the day: Lennay-nay

Perfect.

Via: Kevin Jackson.

DUDE.

Is this dunk by Victor Dukes already "Dunk o' the Year"?

ON A ROLL: The Golfer

I suspect that this tale -- sent in by Bernie -- is based on a true story.

Stan Waller was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care-giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed three times a day and don't forget the hygiene care!"

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead.

What'd you shoot?"

Hey, hey, hey: don't blame the messenger!

NFL Trash-talk on Facebook

Heh.

The rest of the conversation -- with the requisite f-bombs included -- is here.

Homer Bailey Delivers a No-Hitter for the Republican Cause

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Homer Bailey tossed a no-hitter against the Pittsburgh Pirates last night. It was a much-needed victory for the Reds as they're battling the Washington Nationals for the best record in the National League heading into the post-season.

Lee forwards a note pointing out that Bailey's not only an ace on the mound, he's also a top gun when it comes to protecting the Republic:

You just never know who may show up at the Republican Victory Center in Kenwood [a northern suburb of Cincinnati].

Reds Pitcher Homer Bailey showed up last Saturday to encourage the volunteers to keep up the great efforts for the Republican Party. We still need volunteers and we are going to WIN this election!

Don’t pay attention to the polls which are aligned to the media. They want you to believe that the race is over. We need our voters to come out and vote. So let’s do everything possible to do just that and we WILL WIN!

Click here to find your local Victory Center. Take action. Your country needs you.

Exclusive Transcript of Funniest Joke at Tonight's DNC

Biff Spackle intercepted the complete transcript for tonight's DNC speeches using his l337 h4x0r skillz. He says the best joke is the following:

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong.
He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?' The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day,
the man's golfed the best game of golf in his life.
He asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas ...'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.'
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it...

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God.
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Elegant: Serena Williams celebrates her dominating Olympic performance with... "The Crip Walk"

And all this time, I thought tennis was supposed to be the classiest of sports.

Serena Williams dropped it like it was hot on Saturday, celebrating her first singles gold medal by performing an impromptu crip walk, a short dance move popularized by gang members in her hometown of Compton.

The move mostly passed by without incident because crip walk controversies date from the same era in which a bare bottom on "NYPD Blue" was considered risque. The dance was just a dance, a nice homage to Serena's hometown. But then someone overreacted and ginned up a phony controversy on this side of the Atlantic and now the very fabric of our culture is threatened because Serena chose to do a rhythmic shout-out.

Hey, it's great that Serena won a gold medal for the U.S.

I'm just not sure about the wisdom of turning each tennis match into an NFL touchdown celebration.


Hat tip: BadBlue.

Photo: Female Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen looks perfectly natural to me

Oops. My bad. This is a photo of Vera De Milo.

On the other hand, this is Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen:

More than a few eyebrows were raised when Ye Shiwen, a 16-year-old Chinese swimmer, knocked five seconds off her personal best in the 400-meter individual medley. She even swam the last lap faster than [male] U.S. medal winner Ryan Lochte.

Commentators watching the race called it "unbelievable." But John Leonard, head of the American Swimming Coaches Association, went a big step further, saying her race "was reminiscent of some old East German swimmer."

... "If there are suspicions, then please lay them out using facts and data," Xu Qi, head of the Chinese swimming team. told the state news agency Xinhua. "Don't use your own suspicions to knock down others. This shows lack of respect for athletes and for Chinese swimming."

The final world from Olympic officials cleared the Chinese swimmer's name.

"She's clean. That's the end of the story," said Colin Moynihan, chairman of the British Olympic Association reporting on the results of official drug tests.

She looks perfectly natural to me, though she was reportedly ejected from a Tesco store for carrying around a six pack and two guns.

I'll be here all week. Remember to try the roast beef special... and to tip your waitresses.

Chart: President Obama far more interested in golf than the economy, unemployment or suffering Americans

As of last week, the president had played 102 rounds of golf since taking office. According to White House reporter Keith Koffler, each golf outing takes about five hours. Using arithmetic -- something apparently unfamiliar to Democrats, given their staunch refusal to pass a federal budget -- Obama has spent about 510 hours golfing.

This compares to a total of "412 hours ... in economic meetings or briefings of any kind", according to a time study published by The Government Accountability Insititute (PDF).

Even discounting his callous disregard for the Constitution, this president has no respect for the American people. He has no work ethic and no interest in the economy.

And please note: I'm not even counting the innumerable fundraisers and pickup basketball games, which also do absolutely nothing for Americans suffering in this, the Obama Depression.


Hat tip: Gateway Pundit and Right Scoop: 'I will not rest'.

Headline o' the Day Award

Via Business Insider:

'Blake Griffin Dunked On Pau Gasol's Entire Family Tree...Twice!'

There is nothing to say here except "Pau, look out!"

I think the technical term is "double posterization".

The Top 25 Boxing Nicknames of All Times [Updated]

The definitive list:


25. Vinny "The Pazmanian Devil" Pazienza
24. "Iron" Mike Tyson
23. Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini
22. Mike "The Body Snatcher" McCallum
21. Andrew "Six Heads" Lewis

20. Larry “The Easton Assassin” Holmes
19. Donald "The Cobra" Curry
18. Zab “Super” Judah
17. Adrien "The Problem" Broner
16. Jake "Raging Bull" LaMotta

15.Evander "Real Deal" Holyfield
14. Ruben “Hurricane” Carter
13. Manny "The Destroyer" Pacquiao
12. "Smokin" Joe Frazier
11. Jack "The Manassa Mauler" Dempsey

10. Paul "The Punisher" Williams
9. James "Lights Out" Toney
8. Thomas "The Hit Man" Hearns
7. Arturo "Thunder" Gatti
6. John "The Beast" Mugabi

5. Ike "Bazooka" Quartey
4. James "Bonecrusher" Smith
3. Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins
2. Roberto "Hands of Stone" Duran
1. "Sugar" Ray Robinson

Revealed: President Obama's REAL Tournament Bracket

Hat tip: Richard Baehr.

Report: Obama kept Air Force One aloft an extra half hour to watch Knicks-Heat game

Do as I say, not as I do: but peons like you and I are supposed to live a more spartan life to ensure we don't emit any extra carbon dioxide.

President Obama flew to Florida this past week to explain high gas prices. According to the Washington Post, on his way to Florida this past Thursday, reporters were "perplexed" at the President's 41 minute flight from Washington, DC to Orlando, Florida taking 1 hour and 15 minutes. The flight was in the air an extra 30 minutes, burning precious fossil fuels.

It does not seem a coincidence that the President landed right at half time of an NBA basketball game between the star studded Miami Heat and New York Knicks. Some theorized that the President delayed his flight in the air to watch more of the basketball game.

I could drive my convertible for 100 years straight and not emit as much CO2 into the atmosphere as President Obama did watching the Lebron/Lin-sanity matchup.

To his credit, the president did have a constructive couple of weeks.

• As part of the 'In Performance at the White House' PBS series, Obama hosted B.B. King, Mick Jagger and a host of other music luminaries for another of his posh, weekly soirees.

• He also held an 'NBA fundraiser', which raised $2.1 million by charging $30,000 a head.

This follows a luxury ski vacation in Aspen, just a few weeks after a 17-day Hawaiian vacation that reportedly cost $4 million (up from $2.5 million in 2010).

So you peons keep doing what you're doing. We have a president and a demanding first lady to support.


Hat tip: BadBlue News.

Brief Separated-at-birth Interlude

Former Maryland Head Coach Gary Williams and the late, great Dennis Hopper as Frank Booth in Blue Velvet.

Whatcha think? Any other unconventional SABs?

Another example of the unparalleled genius of capitalism [Papa B]

Papa B:

A bowling alley in Florida is doing record business despite a bad economy.

The alley reports a record number of 300 games.

Since opening in November 2010, 963 patrons have bowled a perfect game, including strikes in the warm-up frames.

This alley also has the highest bowling league average in the country, with a 237.

And that is the senior league.

What is the secret to this amazing bowling alley's success?

...

...

...

What could go wrong? Dennis Rodman recruiting for his new topless women's basketball team

I can't wait to find out the name of the team (and feel free to propose some in the comments and I'll be sure to relay them to the Rod-man):

Dennis Rodman is bouncing back into basketball — this time as a coach for a topless women’s team he’s launching for Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club, the New York mammary mecca. [Ed: "mammary mecca"? If we're going to do alliteration, how about "boob bazaar"?]

The NBA bad boy dreamed up the team after hearing that rival strip joint Rick’s Cabaret had launched a league with former Atlanta Hawk Spud Webb, who runs the Texas Legends, an NBA Development League team. Rodman is even challenging Rick’s Cabaret’s topless team to a charity game.

“I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down around the court,” Rodman told Page Six. [Ed: Word.]

Rodman, who told us he’s been a Headquarters customer for more than 30 years, is currently scouting for talent. He’ll be holding auditions next week at the jiggle joint for girls over 5-foot-10 to join the team.

“You don’t have to have too much experience, just know how to throw the ball into the hole,” was his sterling advice to hopefuls... Rodman said he also planned auditioning “players” during his appearance at Huntington, LI, club Paramount last night.

Team members will wear shorts, skimpy shirts and sneakers during games. “They’ll come out in a T-shirt or a tank top, but when the game starts, they’ll go topless,” Rodman boasted.

I'll be honest: this idea is a winner. And with a "Level 5 Leader" like Rodman at the helm, there's virtually nothing that can go wrong.


Image: Based upon an original found at Fark.

15 Crazy Photos From the Air Jordan Riots #AirJordans #Riots #Retro

Not, it's not the Occupy movement, though the resemblance is uncanny -- what with the pepper spray, the gunfire, and the riots. But in this particular case, the unrest accompanies the release of the new Air Jordan sneakers.















It's gotta be the shoes.


Hat tips: Mediaite, WCHS-6 and Blippit.

The Toughest Place on the Planet to Shoot Free Throws Is...

Bloomington, Indiana. Exhibit A: last night's stands, right behind the opposing team's goal, during Indiana's upset of #1 Kentucky.

I especially like the depiction of mega-stoner Gobi, who most college kids would recognize but not know why.

The Look on the Ref's Face #Priceless #Mayweather #Ortiz #Merchant

Controversy, outrage and chaos reigned during and after last night's Floyd Mayweather-Victor Ortiz fight with veteran commentator Larry Merchant telling the undefeated Mayweather that "I would kick your ass if I was 50 years younger".

The fight was stopped in the fourth after a controversial knockout of Ortiz.

Mayweather was in total control of the fight at the time of the stoppage... The controversy began when Ortiz enjoyed a rare flurry of success, backing Mayweather up against the ropes in the fourth round. However, he then struck Mayweather with a headbutt for which he was punished by referee Joe Cortez.

Ortiz attempted to apologize to Mayweather and hugged him near the center of the ring. However, Cortez had already called for time to be restarted. Mayweather let fly with a left hook that stunned Ortiz, then knocked him to the canvas with a straight hand...

...Merchant, the HBO Pay-Per-View commentator, challenged [Mayweather] over the fairness of his winning blows. Mayweather unloaded with both fists a split-second after the fighters had hugged following a headbutt for which his opponent was deducted a point, and Ortiz was unprotected and unaware when the strikes landed.

Merchant suggested that his tactics may have been either illegal or outside the spirit of the fight game, and then Mayweather vented his ire, referring to the 80-year-old broadcaster by an expletive and barking that he should be fired from his television position.

“You never give me a fair shake, all right, so I am going to do you a favor and let you talk to Victor Ortiz,” Mayweather said. “You never give me a fair shake. You are [expletive] and HBO should fire you. You don’t know [expletive] about boxing. You ain’t [expletive].”

...“I wish I was 50 years younger,” [replied] Merchant. “I would have kicked your [expletive].”

These kinds of antics and Mayweather's refusal to fight Manny Pacquiao -- the acknowledged pound-for-pound best boxer in the world -- have worn much of the luster from the champion's once-pristine image.

And if he continues to avoid Pacquiao, it's likely the history books will place a definitive asterisk on his undefeated record.

ESPN now censoring analysts' anti-Obama tweets (curiously, insulting Sarah Palin still perfectly acceptable)

Dana Loesch reports that ESPN is now in the business of censoring reporters who criticize El Presidente.

A note for future prospective ESPN employees: You can only cheerlead Obama at ESPN. I’m not joking... Case in point: The network’s golf analyst, 12-time PGA Tour winner Paul Azinger hit out at the President’s amount of golf games on Twitter:



Azinger’s remarks prompted ESPN to crack down:

ESPN is coming down on Paul Azinger for mocking President Barack Obama on Twitter. The golf analyst tweeted Thursday the Commander-in-chief plays more golf than he does — and that Azinger has created more jobs this month than Obama has.

On Friday ESPN ‘reminded” Azinger his venture into political punditry violates the company’s updated social network policy for on-air talent and reporters... "Paul’s tweet was not consistent with our social media policy, and he has been reminded that political commentary is best left to those in that field,” spokesman Andy Hall told Game On! in a statement."



ESPN’s Hall would not comment on whether Azinger, who won the 1993 PGA Championship, will be fired, suspended or punished in some way. “We handle that internally,” he said.

Here's a thought experiment: had Paul Azinger complimented President Subprime McDowngrade or angrily slammed a conservative, would he have been similarly censured?



Gee: as it turns out, the loopy nitwit named Kenny Mayne seems to have avoided ESPN's censors secreting tweets like this:



No double standard there.




Hat tip: TrendingRight.